This is not how it ends

It starts with a tear
a gut-wrenching heartbroken sob
that forces my whole body to tremor
sweating with anxiety and pitiless emotions
which sends me head first into what
my therapist calls a “spiral of doom”

Degradation and self-deprecation
consume my being
and I can only think of how
lonely I feel or how
I’m not being loved or
fucked (in the more pleasurable sense)
or how the only person who ever
cared for me threw my love

But perhaps that’s why it hurts
to know my efforts will
always be greater
my love will always be fuller
than anything anyone can
offer me


Author: Catherine Caruso

Writer of words. Lover of dogs.

46 thoughts on “This is not how it ends”

  1. You have really captured the despair of heartbreak, and in answer to the poem’s question – the heart once broken does love with greater depth.

  2. “consume my being” is true. but all of that can only swollow so much. there is always a little bit left hanging out of the mouth of degradation and self-depreciation. and you can always pull on that little bit to extract yourself. Or just live there – in that little bit. ❤

  3. I love your side quotes and musings like “in the more pleasurable sense” reminds us that despair can come with a sense of humor and reality.

  4. From experience it hurts less with time. It may feel so tsunami right now but when you are ready for a mental and emotional change, you will look back and smile. For now, writing about does help, you capture the core of heartbreak so well.

  5. Closing one door can lead to opening another. Sometimes, a door is just a hurdle to unlock and grow so that we are put on a better path.

  6. Gaze at your poem from high above it, set it aside, and perhaps it’s as simple as that. It could be. Then, now write different words. This is maybe how it starts? —Chagall – be strong

  7. Those who experience pain of breaking heart know that it entails, what difference it makes, what turmoil this heart of ours have to endure – I should say, only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches. But one who comes out of this turmoil, comes out of all this unscathed, facing the onslaughts of time with fortitude and still more vigor.

    Nice sharing.

  8. It’s okay to feel the sting of heartbreak as long as you know that it will pass and you will heal. And one day you’ll find someone that will love you the way you deserve to be loved and it’ll be better than anything you remember. ❤

  9. Beautiful sadness… more despair more depth! That I see in your writing!
    I hope I’m saying this so it’s seen in a positive light

  10. When I ponder on spirals of doom; I think of Cairo’s, Well of Joseph and helter skelters, they come with a mix of light and dark moments at a some what riveting pace, where knowing at some point in time there will be opportunity to climb again.

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